Three More New Ones

A piece today on Barnes & Noble, satirizing the life of a humor writer.

I’m even starting to franchise.  I’ve put together a packet with the information someone needs to be a humor writer — I outsourced the writing of it to some hack I found on the Internet — and for a small percentage of revenue, someone can use my name and the existing equity of my brand to shop their pieces, with exclusive rights to markets around the world.

It’s a bit of a strange one.  The Writing Business.

 

And from Medium, a piece on the health hazards of underground supper clubs:

We use only fresh micro greens, discarded corn husks, and garbage. The salad was composed by Shelly, a good friend I met at the wound clinic at a local hospital. She only needs three more treatments until she’s better.

Underground, Illegal, and Delicious.

 

Plus, also on Medium, some new writing contests and submission opportunities you might be interested in:

— Desperate for entries to the Roger Jones Memorial Writing Contest. We give you information about Mr. Jones, and you write a memorial. Deadline is Friday at 7 p.m. Meet us at St. Matthew’s Cathedral with the text.

Entirely Real Writing Contests and Submission Opportunities.

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Three Recent Pieces on Medium

I have three recent pieces on Medium…

Novelist: The Video Game:

Can you make the journey from your bed to your desk without getting sidetracked by the Trolls of Temptation? Oh, look, one very persuasive troll thinks you should clean your entire house before you write. That seems like a great idea. Do that. Another troll is showing you how easy it is to make chocolate chip cookies. You should do that too. A third troll has his own reality show, and there’s a marathon of the entire season on MTV. Take a break and watch all of the episodes, then blog about it.

A Note About Our Zoo:

Up until now, the mouse exhibit has not been an intentional one. We just have a lot of mice, and they’re everywhere. We’ll be attempting to corral them into one cage, and putting a sign in front with some mouse-related information.

I Spent an Hour Away From the Internet:

The first thing I needed to do was let the people closest to me know that I would be unavailable between 11 a.m. and noon on my chosen day of freedom. I spent four days combing through my contacts in order to put together the list. To my 11,549 closest friends and most critical professional colleagues, I crafted a carefully-worded e-mail:

I AM LEAVING THE INTERNET FOR AN HOUR. IF I AM URGENTLY NEEDED, PLEASE SEND A SMOKE SIGNAL. I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I AM BACK.

Enjoy!

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Our Terrible Nanny is Available Starting Immediately

Today on McSweeney’s:

Are you looking for a nanny? Are you not particularly concerned about your child’s welfare? If so, our terrible nanny may be the perfect fit for you and your family. Trained in tango, bartending, and a host of other skills entirely unrelated to the care of a human being, she’s a great nanny if you just want to get away from your baby, and it’s either her or the street.

Here’s the link.

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The Anthony Weiner Crisis Management Consulting Firm Is Open for Business

My latest on Medium:

5. Find the most sympathetic, trustworthy person in your circle of influence. Make her defend you with crazy justifications for whatever it is you did. The more ridiculous you can make her seem, the better it will be for you. You don’t want anyone close to you to retain any credibility, because then they can leave you for something better. This way, if you make them seem like they’re just as crazy as you are, they’re stuck with you.

Here’s the link.

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Best Video Games of 1635

From a couple of weeks ago, on Medium:

4. Foot Race 1K63XV

The 1,635th installment in the long-running Foot Race series now features Greatest Feet Mode, where you can run with some of history’s fastest, like Pythagoras, Attila the Hun, and Jesus— who may be difficult to beat when he takes a shortcut and walks across the lake. Also because his character comes with an extra life.

Here’s the link.

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Sex on Campus: Dear Mom

Over on Medium, I have a take on last week’s New York Times piece about college women and sex.  “Dear Mom: Guess what? I’m in The New York Times!”

Mom, you taught me women can do anything — and we can, with or without a man, although, as the article explains, mostly with. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re strong and empowered, and, even if we sometimes take on more than we can swallow, we eventually figure out how to get it down.

Here’s the link.

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The Foie Gras Fountain is in Conference Room B

My latest on Medium is a spoof on startup culture…

There are free movie tickets in a dispenser outside the People Management office, along with complimentary admission vouchers to nearby skate parks, climbing walls, and ski slopes, all of which we own and allow you to fully multitask. Yes, that’s a workstation over by the water slide.

Here’s the link.

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