Here is an archive of my humor pieces and other articles:
What I Would Tell My Five-Year-Old… Trump Announcing Run for President in 2024 (11/16/22) / McSweeney’s
I’m Sorry, but I, the Tooth Fairy, Am Still Not Comfortable Returning to In-Person Work (7/15/21) / McSweeney’s
Just A Few Things Your Child Will Need for Today’s Classes (11/25/20) / Wry Times
My Failed Rally to Keep Schools Closed (7/29/20) / Wry Times
Safe Distance Summer Camp (5/17/20) / Medium
Update on the Grocery Delivery We Fooled You Into Expecting (4/15/20) / McSweeney’s
Can My Son Get More Worksheets Before the World Ends (3/30/20) / McSweeney’s
My New Breathing App (2/4/20) / Medium
It’s Finally Time for Me, James Garfield, to Enter the Presidential Race (11/15/19) / Medium
If Board Game Titles Were Honest (January 2019) / Parents
What the School Photographer Said (11/28/18) / McSweeney’s
Out of Reach (9/21/18) / Proto
The Craziest Official Tech Startup History You Will Ever Read (2/2/18) / MarketWatch
Dear Son, I’m Sorry (12/2/17) / Medium
Year of the Rooster (book released November 2017)
Welcome to Riley’s Third Birthday Party (10/4/17) / Razed
[Interview] How to Become a Harvard-Law-Trained Novelist (2/22/17) / Vault
[News] NBC Developing The Curve for TV (9/7/16) / Variety
Winning the News (Re)Cycle (7/5/16) / Barnes & Noble Review
[Review] Fast Times at Fake Law School (6/13/16) / Above the Law
Code Breaker (5/3/16) / Barnes & Noble Review
Alter Lego (3/23/16) / Barnes & Noble Review
Stop Trying To Teach Your Fetus To Read (2/17/16) / The Reject Pile
Elephant in the Room (2/3/16) / Barnes & Noble Review
Less is More (12/4/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
Foolproof Ways to Get Your Child to Wear Socks (11/12/15) / McSweeney’s
Freud Chicken (11/4/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
Hey, Dads: Come to Music Class (10/14/15) / Medium
Pregnant Paws (9/9/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
Flight Risks (8/26/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
Car Seat Installation Guide (7/15/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
A Toddler’s Guide to the Perfect Vacation (7/14/15) / Medium
Our Nut-Free, Gluten-Free, Adult-Free Nursery School (6/10/15) / The Reject Pile
Don’t Read All About It (5/13/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
There Are No Egos In Our Knitting Group (4/28/15) / McSweeney’s
Spring TV Preview (3/25/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
Death by One Thousand Beeps (3/17/15) / Quartz
Pantsuits1947@AOL.COM (3/4/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
Brooklyn Syndrome (2/25/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
Real Pages from Real Children’s Books (2/19/15) / Medium
A Baby’s Guide to Sleep-Training Your Parents (2/3/15) / Medium
Paradesk (2/3/15) / Barnes & Noble Review
The Future of Taxicabs (1/1/15) / Contributoria
Parenting: A Dad’s Year in Review (12/5/14) / Medium
An Early Review of the iPhone 74 (11/1/14) / Contributoria
KC At the Bat (10/15/14) / FanGraphs
An Oral History of the Citi Field Fences (10/14/14) / FanGraphs
Can Insects Learn to Love Eating Us? (10/1/14) / Contributoria
Please Let Me Put My Hands All Over Your Baby (9/15/14) / McSweeney’s
The New Golf (9/2/14) / Barnes & Noble Review
Having a Premature Baby Turned Me Into a Lunatic (8/23/14) / Medium
Food, Now Everywhere (8/22/14) / Barnes & Noble Review
Some Ideas for the Makers of Soylent (8/1/14) / Contributoria
Ten Travel Websites You Won’t Be Seeing Soon (7/21/14) / Beacon
Announcing Wordzleybux (7/1/14) / Contributoria
How One Trip to the Airport Made Me a Feminist (6/8/14) / Medium
Selfie Improvement (6/2/14) / Barnes & Noble Review
What my Seven-Month-Old Son Knows About Fantasy Baseball (5/6/14) / FanGraphs
Amazing New Imaginary Contraptions for Your Not-Imaginary Baby (5/1/14) / Contributoria
There’s a Snatcherblot in my Catcherslot (4/23/14) / FanGraphs
We Apologize for the Cornfusion (4/15/14) / Beacon
Join My Children’s Book Club (4/2/14) / Beacon
Your Baby’s Klout Score is in the 25th Percentile (3/27/14) / McSweeney’s
The Meditation Room (3/25/14) / Beacon
SAT Out (3/11/14) / Barnes & Noble Review
Energy Saving Tips to Reduce Your Electric Bill (3/5/14) / Beacon
The FitBit Brute Force Wristband (2/25/14) / Beacon
Flu Season Survival Tips (2/19/14) / Beacon
Trash Talk (2/18/14) / Barnes & Noble Review
CVS to Stop Selling Everything (2/8/14) / Beacon
Scapedogs (2/3/14) / Barnes & Noble Review
Chris Christie: Toilet Paper (2/1/14) / Beacon
Surprise, It’s That Thing We Think You Want (1/24/14) / Beacon
PurseMed (1/13/14) / Barnes & Noble Review
This Preposterously Inexpensive Discount Bus (1/13/14) / Beacon
It’s Not About Christmas, It’s Just About a Tree (1/6/14) / Medium
A Reluctant Welcome to our Holiday Party (1/4/14) / Beacon
My Year of Mistakes (12/29/13) / Beacon
When You’re On Top, You Can Have a Beard (12/16/13) / Beacon
Your Workplace Holiday Party (12/16/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
The Mystery of Pumpkin Spice (12/9/13) / Beacon
Son, my smartphone isn’t actually attached to my hand (11/9/13) / Medium
Adopt-a-Highway (10/28/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
Thank You for Inspiring Me To Steal My Wife’s Breast Milk (10/25/13) / Medium
Y Combinator Combinator 2014 (10/17/13) / Medium
The Maximum Security Children’s Zoo and Concert Hall (9/27/13) / Medium
Why I Need My Gun at Starbucks (9/20/13) / Medium
The Writing Business (9/16/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
Underground, Illegal, and Delicious (9/13/13) / Medium
Entirely Real Writing Contests and Submission Opportunities (9/6/13) / Medium
I Spent an Hour Away From the Internet (8/30/13) / Medium
A Note About Our Zoo (8/22/13) / Medium
The Anti-Semitic Urine Collector (8/21/13) / FanGraphs
Novelist: The Video Game (8/16/13) / Medium
Our Terrible Nanny is Available Starting Immediately (8/5/13) / McSweeney’s
The Anthony Weiner Crisis Management Consulting Firm (8/1/13) / Medium
Best Video Games of 1635 (7/27/13) / Medium
Sex on Campus: Dear Mom (7/19/13) / Medium
Announcing my Candidacy for Comptroller (7/10/13) / Medium
The Foie Gras Fountain is in Conference Room B (7/5/13) / Medium
Brand New, Recently Renovated (7/1/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
[INTERN, GIVE THIS HUMOR PIECE A TITLE] (6/24/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
An Important Security Update About Your Microwave (6/20/13) / Medium
“Who’s on First,” 2013 Edition (6/18/13) / FanGraphs
FAQ About Our Destination Wedding (6/12/13) / Medium
Non-GMO? Non-OMG! (6/7/13) / Medium
Welcome to the Thrifty Inn (6/3/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
Throwing Out Tonight’s First Pitch… (5/29/13) / FanGraphs
Anonymous Billionaire: The Land of Ice (5/16/13) / Lusso
The Puppy Diet (5/4/13) / Medium
Work from H.O.M.E. (5/3/13) / McSweeney’s
Greetings from Your Soon-to-be Realtor (4/29/13) / Medium
Belly Rub (4/25/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
Please Consider The Environment Before You Print This Humor Piece (4/22/13) / Medium
I Have So Many People To Thank… (4/19/13) / The Millions
About Our Serious News Magazine’s Hip New Redesign, Yo. (4/16/13) / Medium
Pardon the Construction (3/25/13) / Splitsider
Artisanal Preservington, New York (3/14/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
Rest of the Fests (2/28/13) (Maura Magazine)
“My Grandmother Reviews Her Medication ” (2/27/13) / theNewerYork
Frequently Asked Questions about Girl Scout Cookies (2/21/13) / HuffPo
How To Internet For Writers (2/7/13) / The Bygone Bureau
Friends, Classmates, Donors (1/30/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
Uncle Gets a Name (1/30/13) / Kveller
My Girlfriend (A Manti Te’o Satire) (1/25/13) / HuffPo
Weather or Not (1/16/13) / The Big Jewel
Top New Friend Prospects (2013) (1/16/13) / FanGraphs
2013 eBook Preview (1/15/13) / Barnes & Noble Review
Your Workplace Holiday Party (12/19/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
Temple Beth El Dorado: Chanukah Edition (12/6/12)
Cabin Pressure (11/26/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
Thank You For Being My Health Care Proxy (10/31/12) / The Bygone Bureau
A Friendly Change To Our Access Policy (10/29/12) / FeatherTale
Horses, Bayonets, Cannonballs, and Sharp, Pointy Rocks (10/24/12) / HuffPo
Binders Literally Full of Actual Women (10/22/12) / HuffPo
Temple Beth El Dorado: Real G-d. Fake Synagogue. (10/19/12)
Entering The Academy (10/2/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
The iMop 5 (9/24/12) / HuffPo
Tying the Interfaith Knot (9/24/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
Todd Akin, Chief of Police (8/22/12) / HuffPo
Uncle Changes Diaper (8/15/12) / Kveller
Tastes of New York (8/13/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
Subscription Optional (7/18/12) / Defenestration
Great Vacation Rental Available (7/9/12) / McSweeney’s
Portion Control (6/27/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
“Great Players Don’t Need A Psychiatrist” (6/25/12) / FanGraphs
Sunday Routine (6/3/12) / The Nervous Breakdown
A Note on the Paper (6/1/12) / The Millions
Fetch the Remote (5/29/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
Sorry– My Personal Website Is Now Behind A Paywall (5/10/12) / McSweeney’s
MLB TeeVee: Park Factors and Recreation (5/7/12) / FanGraphs
8 Fake Online Games More Pointless Than “Sheep Invaders” (5/3/12) / MindHut
New Patient Information (4/27/12) / The Bygone Bureau
I Can Explain (4/16/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
Mike Daisey’s Stories from the Campaign Trail (4/5/12) / The Nervous Breakdown
Killer Read (4/3/12) / The Millions
Chinese vs. French Parenting, as discussed by an awful Book Club (3/30/12) / Thought Catalog
The Uncle and the Baby Take Manhattan (3/16/12) / Kveller
We Book You Writer (3/5/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
PaleyFest Television Panel Bingo (3/2/12) / LA Weekly
These Are A Few of Mitt’s Favorite Things… (2/24/12) / The New Republic
Butterscotch Dust (2/13/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
What Happens in Ittoqqortoormiit Stays in Ittoqqortoormiit (2/6/12) / Splitsider
Burn Notice (2/6/12) / Barnes & Noble Review
The Creepiness of Pandora’s Music Recommendations (2/1/12) / The Bygone Bureau
Thank You, Small Section of this Country… (1/23/12) / McSweeney’s
Fact-Checking the Candidates on… Everything (12/22/11) / The New Republic
Carmageddon: The Unproduced Screenplay (7/14/11) / LA Weekly
Technology-Enabled Congressional Sex Scandals of the Future (7/8/11) / McSweeney’s
London Set Paris Match (July 2011) / Lusso
Before You Take This Medication (4/4/11) / McSweeney’s
Anonymous Millionaire (Dec 2010) / Lusso
One Bedroom Thirteen and a Half Baths (9/21/10) / McSweeney’s
Memo to Synagogue Membership (Jan-Feb 2010) / Moment
The Anonymous Lawyer on Law Firm Bonuses (11/5/09) / The Wall Street Journal
The 51st Best Law Firm for Women (8/12/09) / The Wall Street Journal
The Anonymous Lawyer’s Law Firm Layoff Memo (8/6/09) / The Wall Street Journal
Welcome to the Law, One Ls (8/31/07) / The Wall Street Journal
A New Law School Curriculum (11/15/06) / The Wall Street Journal
The Free Meal Appeal (WSJ.com) (8/17/06) / The Wall Street Journal
The Anonymous Lawyer on the Dreaded Bar Exam (7/13/06) / The Wall Street Journal
A Christmas Carol (Dec 2007) / Fort Salem Theater
The Holiday Brief: A Jewish Lawyer’s Survival Guide (Feb 2007) / Moment
Job Posting (8/31/05) / The New York Times
Spring Training Chat, 2032 (2/27/12) / FanGraphs
New Rules for Fantasy Baseball (1/19/12) / FanGraphs
Strawman Sportswriter’s Hall of Fame Ballot (1/9/12) / FanGraphs
Oakland A’s Trades of the Future (12/29/11) / FanGraphs
All Your Prospect Questions, Answered (12/19/11) / FanGraphs
Bud Selig’s Dream Realignment Scenario (11/22/11) / FanGraphs
Errata: 2011 World Series (11/10/11) / FanGraphs
Your Favorite Team’s Top Five Prospects (11/7/11) / FanGraphs
Fantasy Mailbag: Rejected Questions (10/31/11) / FanGraphs
Fantasy Baseball Purity Test (10/13/11) / FanGraphs
Revealing The Soul of a Soulless Lawyer (NY Times, 12/26/04)
Virtually Fiction (Harvard Gazette)
Time’s 50 Coolest Websites 2005
Anonymous Lawyer Has Fun With The Firm (USA TODAY)
Anonymous Lawyer in Development for Television with Sony and NBC (The Futon Critic)
Interview With Jeremy Blachman (New York Inquirer)
Jeremy Blachman 